trust issues

i swear to god this boy is going to be the death of me!. it will happen.
i have realised i have extreamly horrible trust issues which is why i probably cant stay in a relationship. i always try to find something wrong with the person which would most likely drive anyone away. i guess this is something i need to work on.
and least i can be happy again for a little bit, cause god knows how nice it was laying next to him again last night like nothing ever happened. i missed it so much words cant even discribe what i would do for that kid. and who knows why cause he's cocky and stupid and kind of a jerk and really mean. maybe thats why though.

New Hair, New Me

So recently i haven't really been in the best of moods. basically over some boy who i kinda was seeing a couple of months ago. If your dim-witted and don't know who i am talking about his name is justin. So i kind of knew who he was before i accually met him but not really i accually used to hate him because he kind of dated two of my x boyfriends. So finally we accually met and we talked (drunkly) and i started to think maybe he wasnt such a bad person. we ended up going home together but nothign happened. after that we started talking and hanging out everyday. and first i was just like ok well this is nice. than we started having talks about not seeing other people and how much we liked each other it even went so far as him introducing me as his boyfriend at a party. One thing you need to know about me i never like anyone really but when i fall i fal hard. i also have very big trust issues from stuff that has happened to me in the past. I was super happy though i spent most of my time with him i used to always be at his apartment i stopped going out. it was kind of a big deal for me cause i have never done that for anyone before. I got along really well with his roommates in fact we still talk. Than suddenly my paranoia set in. i started to slowly realise this kid from france was leaving him comment and all this werid stuff. when i asked him about it he said it was nothing and they were just friends (KEEP IN MIND THIS IS AFTER HE CALLED ME HIS BOYFRIEND WHICH IS NOT A WORD I LIKE TO THROW AROUND IF YOUR GOING TO SAY IT MEAN IT). my natreal reaction to this was becoming distant i started to hate being around him cause i could tell he was lying even though to this day he says he wasn't. Eventually this all lead into a huge fight threw text messaging which i will never forget because i was in hysterics on the puplic bus going down 2nd ave. After some not nice things were said on his part and him saying that i knew nothing about him along with other things i decided i could not be around him or friends with him anymore. I was honesly devistated for a long time i stayed home almost all the time i was always in a horrible mood and when someone would mention him i would get physically sick. (i know some of you may think thats over reacting and that we only "dated" if it was even that for like 2-2.5 months but i did honesly truly care about him and he knew what happened to me in the past and went right ahead and did the same thing to me again) Than about a month later the french kid who was mentioned early comes and lives with him for a MONTH! of course i was annoyed and i mentioned something about how i knew it all along and his response was it happened after me and him stopped talking (I CALL BULLSHIT ON HIS PART) Than one night while i was out having a good time with my friends finally he texts me drunk talking about how he wishs i was there and not the french kid (OH yea this is after the french kid shows up to the party i was hosting) So the next day i message him and say bassically how its not fair that he does stuff liek that and we need to have a talk in person because i cannot move on if he keeps telling me stuff like that to which he responded that he woudl like to do the same and that the french kid was leaving in 2 weeks. WHAT THE FUCK so i was supposed to wait around while he fucked some boy from france but told me how he missed me and i was misserable. YEA OK. all in all the french kid left and we have not talked exept for 1 or 2 drunken messages which i regret writing.
Now to get to my point the reason i am writing this is too number one get it all of my chest and i was recently showed by someone a journal he wrote about the french kid. after reading this journal i became inraged cause he is so hypercitial in it from what i got from it is basically the kid liked him a lot but justin realsed he couldn't be iwth him or something the kid is ignoring him and blah blah blah Its basically exactly what he did to me. so im glad he knows how it feels to be hurt. and maybe i am a little jealous that he is hurting over this kid cause he didn't hurt over me. and maybe i do wish that he realised what he had and lost in me and woudl be upset of that but he never will i know that. i also recenly got mad at my best friend for hanging out with him. which i do appologise for even though the sign was fucking hystericall accually im going to post it so you can see. its just that justin really hurt me and if anyone did that to her i would not give them the time of day i woudl accually probably be really fucking rude to them. but as kelsey brought up im a lot meaner than her and stuff like that really isn't in her nature which is why she is my best friend. but it did hurt and i made that brutally clear to her. in my defence though i did try to make it funny by that poster it was not ment to be taking litterally thought i might have gone a little too far. plus everyone else at work thought it was funny hahahaha.

Finally to end this long rant this is the last im going to write about it or talk about him (well at least try) i know everyone is tired of hearing how up set i am about him and acually just being upset in genreal about him its not woth it at all i did nothing wrong and that journal i was shown just made me realise i would never want to be with someone like that. and basically in the end i win. SO here is to moving on.
so now im off to dye and cur my hair.

school, work, and dating.

so this last week has been so crazy! the first week of school is over only 14 more left haha. i go home in 2 weeks which is exciting i really miss my mom kelsey and rayanne and a few other people are coming too. i dropped my spanish class so i can have a day off during the week so i don't go absolutly insane. so thursdays are usually dedicated to me ama and kelsey laying around in the apartment being fat asses. our lease is up in june and we are going to start looking for new places my mom said that if we get a place thats big enough she will buy me a puppy! im so excited! i cannot wait! something else happened this week too which is kind of exciting. i went on a date! well psudo date but it was still nice. and for the first time in liek 4 months i didn't think of ______ while i was with him. it was cute i took a car to park slope around 9ish we got some food and just hung around in his room. and the good thingabout it it only took like 25 min to get home this morning. im really excited so we will see where things are going. im excited to hang out out again well me and ama are in bed right now we are going to try and figure out something to eat. and if we are going out tonight if you know of anything fun to do 5706208329...
andi will leave you with a picture of the awesome tattoo charles did for me!